I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
