i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
