if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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