Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize