I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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