I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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