I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
