Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
