Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
