now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
