Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
