Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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