his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
