2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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