I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
