just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
