you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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