I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
