hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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