So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
