You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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