Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
