where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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