Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
