Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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