I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
