I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm too high and old for this...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
