Im at strip club and am horny
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
