i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
