Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
