Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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