I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
