Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
