Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
