yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
