Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
