apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Of course I have a pirate flag
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
