I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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