remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
