I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
