I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
