I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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