Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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