It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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