Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
