Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
