I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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