she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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