if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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