take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
