I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
