i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
