like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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