you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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