I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
