just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
