Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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