Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
