My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
